Of Rejection, or Commonwealth Essay
Whenever CW gets rejected, things start to mysteriously appear on this blog. This time it's the Commonwealth Essay Competition. I was so damned confident of winning something, but the English Department found the tone too risque. I'll stop whining and let you read in peace now...
A Short History of:
Life, the Universe and Everything
By: Ng Cheng Wei
Disclaimer: It has frequently been touted by disillusioned historians that their study is but a fabrication of winners. We can thus very much guarantee the reliability of this essay.
If you are of the opinion that at the beginning, there was nothing, you have been lied to; misinformed - at the Beginning, there was everything.
Everything; The whole enchilada: Luscious green, towering sierra, bottomless blue, equine, bovine, simian, ovine, porcine, avian... - you name it, we have it - All free-of-charge.
Well, perhaps not everything, maybe not the abhorrent humans - but the whole universe is of the unanimous opinion that there can��t possibly exist everything with those blundering bipeds around, anyway.
It was all nice and quiet for a while; a good few million years, to be exact.
~50000 BC: One day, those darned monkeys started��monkeying around. That was when all the problems began. Apparently, someone thought it��d be incredibly funny to start walking on two legs instead. Ha. Ha. Ha. Bright idea, Einstein, now just see how unglam we look with that hideous Neanderthal slouch. Fine, so it freed up our arms so we could scratch that millennia-old itch that��s been plaguing our rears, but oh, what a price to pay!
~15000 BC: In a similar spate of bad humor, fire was invented. Credit was unable to be duly attributed, as the discovery had caused its founder to spontaneously combust, leaving him an unrecognizable heap of ash. Incidentally, the same race which created this miracle was to resolve the problem of overheating, seventeen thousand years later, by use of air-conditioning.
~13000 BC: I have always thought moving into those caves was a dreadful idea. The dark, ominous depths of these gaping mountain cavities looked ready to collapse once we moved in, not to mention the roof that leaked on rainy days. Where was cement when we needed it?
~10000 BC: That fateful night, we all retired snugly blanketed in the folds of our thick fur. The next morning, we woke up bald; hairless save for that pate of revolting coiffure left to agonize us for millennia to come. Nobody knew the cause of this selective hirsute annihilation then - Brazilian Wax was not to be invented until eleven thousand, eight hundred and forty two years later.
~6000 BC: Contrary to popular beliefs, the first weapon of mass destruction was invented long before Christianity, The Wheel and Fish ��n Chips. A new age of rancid breath, gossip and intolerably impeccable manners dawned upon us as spoken language was invented. In a sudden surge of species-pride, depilated primates across the globe started calling themselves Mankind. The nature of this moniker epitomizes human behavior - the indubitably apt nomenclature was derived from the etymological roots ��mank�� and ��ind��, neither of which makes sense.
~4500 BC: We can��t deny the human predilection for self-inflicted injury. Hardly two hours after the wheel��s invention, the first fatal traffic accident occurred. The creator was thereafter prosecuted for every subsequent road-kill. To date, he has been sentenced to death 2839481984 times.
AD 33: Civilization received a pat on the back for mistakenly killing the supposed Son-Of-God. All mankind were hence doomed to eternal damnation. Ok, so I did throw a pebble at him, but hey, I was just following the crowd. Besides, tossing stones used to be pretty fashionable��about two thousand years ago. For showing up at his crucifixion, I received a signed copy of the universal bestseller fiction, titled [The Holy Bible].
AD 1564: William Shakespeare finally conceived. Darwinian Theory was proven �� a roomful of primates will turn out Shakespeare one day. Congratulations to the monkeys in London!
AD 1597: Internationally-acclaimed playwright, William Shakespeare, narrowly concedes to [The Holy Bible] in book sales. Statistics show that, for the next 400 years, every ten copy of [The Holy Bible] sold would correspond with nine of Shakespeare��s. However, majority of those Bibles were never read at all, while nearly all of Shakespeare��s were misinterpreted.
AD 1914: Dulce et decorum est pro patria mori ; It is sweet and fitting to die for your country ; The old lie. War �� The oh-so-glorified act that is, simply, savagery; the fight for someone else��s made-up ideology; the release of our primitive yearnings for conflict. Even after losing the tail millennia back, we are still unable to distance ourselves from our basest primordial instincts. Universal disgrace falls upon us, as the specie bequeathed with the greatest propensity for learning was not to be educated by eight million deaths (see AD 1941).
AD 1923: The first television set, greatest entertainment device in the universe, was put together by a particularly bored scientist. From here on, mankind began watching MTV, drama serials and alien transmissions in the comfort of their living-rooms. The initial product run comprised ungainly boxes lacking stereo sound and color, and which came without a remote control (regarded to be the most-imminently-pressing inconvenience of all). It also showed only static, due to a depressing lack of foresight in Man��s part resulting in the belated advent of broadcasting stations. Still, the exorbitant price-tags were gladly footed by fascinated aristocrats. Even higher prices are now being offered by antique collectors to catch a glimpse of the vaunted static they emit, in preference to such bullshit propagated by their modern counterparts. Once again, the bluebloods proved that they��re always right.
AD 1935: Elvis Presley born. In the year AD 1977, he was appointed Earth��s ambassador to Mars, where he was to reside permanently. The official word is that every one of the million-or-so Elvises spotted on the streets thereafter is, in truth, a holidaying Martian. This is based on the assumption that no sane Earthling will voluntarily take on his guise of skin-tight virility-annihilating jeans and atrocious anti-aphrodisiac sideburns (what a turn-off!).
AD 1941: World War II. The prime causes for this second war are, as observed from historical milestones, namely, the introduction of television and the demise of Elvis. Human obstinacy will be the death of us. Forget hyped-up sci-fi endings to this world involving alien invasions: we��re all going to die in a cloud of nuclear sediments fired by trigger-happy �� no - trigger-euphoric politicians.
AD 1945: The cessation of World War II resulted in a pan-global formation of institutions, which coincided with the dissolution of decisive action. We go around in circles, and it��s invariably back to square one again. Perhaps it is hoped that, through impeding all avenues of arbitration, we may thence postpone any imminent war, together with humanitarian aid, amelioration of global societal unrest and the feeding of millions in Africa.
AD 1948: McDonald��s, staple diet for the universe, first served in this year. The concept of fast-food was to save on waiting time, while whittling at one��s lifespan with tasteless abominations (Which, incredibly, contains the daily essentials needed for devastation of one��s physique.). For some inexplicable rationale, this was to become astoundingly popular with our civilization.
AD 1969: In a magnificent leap of scientific progress, mankind affirms its competence for interstellar acts of epic pointlessness by landing on the moon. I really couldn��t see the point, as poor Neil was made to trudge, cold and hungry, some couple million miles from the nearest McDonald��s joint, just to plant a flag where no non-fictional character can see it.
AD 2000: George Bush, prodigious son of presidents (for he was only exceptionally gifted at being an offspring of one), mysteriously elected into office. His travesties ranged from the terrifying - trespass of turbaned terrorists�� (the Taliban��s) territories that transformed topography to tumulus - to trivial �� televised terminological transgressions. Four years later, the American folks learned from their previous blunder, and reelected the incumbent Bush.
AD 2002: Love, the ungraspable enigma of an emotion that is behind Life, the Universe and Everything, is, ironically, given only one entry. This year, Death stole a loved one, and only through its loss was it manifestly felt. I was 14 and she was, too. She was the trusty canine who was present at every step of my journey (for it was a gift to the newborn me); always full of gratuitous goodwill and selflessness and never reproachful. The fatal viral infection which tormented the last vestiges of her existence showed me the cruel edict of love �� only when warped into grief for its recipient can one truly comprehend its great bounds.
AD 2004: An epochal sense of Déj� vu was experienced in unison by our race as the first men finally disembarked on Mars. Evidently, we learnt naught from the prior moon-landing - no hotel suite was booked for the starving explorers. Whatever happened to man��s vaunted entrepreneurial spirit?
AD 2006 February: A young, aspiring writer sits at his desk, conjuring [A Short History Of: Life, the Universe and Everything]. He forsakes all sources of nourishment in his fanatical scribing, completing his magnum opus after countless nights spent in the sole comfort of caffeinated consciousness.
AD 2006 The-Near-Future: His fate lies in your hands. You know what to do. Here ends history. Here begins his story.
A Short History of:
Life, the Universe and Everything
By: Ng Cheng Wei
Disclaimer: It has frequently been touted by disillusioned historians that their study is but a fabrication of winners. We can thus very much guarantee the reliability of this essay.
If you are of the opinion that at the beginning, there was nothing, you have been lied to; misinformed - at the Beginning, there was everything.
Everything; The whole enchilada: Luscious green, towering sierra, bottomless blue, equine, bovine, simian, ovine, porcine, avian... - you name it, we have it - All free-of-charge.
Well, perhaps not everything, maybe not the abhorrent humans - but the whole universe is of the unanimous opinion that there can��t possibly exist everything with those blundering bipeds around, anyway.
It was all nice and quiet for a while; a good few million years, to be exact.
~50000 BC: One day, those darned monkeys started��monkeying around. That was when all the problems began. Apparently, someone thought it��d be incredibly funny to start walking on two legs instead. Ha. Ha. Ha. Bright idea, Einstein, now just see how unglam we look with that hideous Neanderthal slouch. Fine, so it freed up our arms so we could scratch that millennia-old itch that��s been plaguing our rears, but oh, what a price to pay!
~15000 BC: In a similar spate of bad humor, fire was invented. Credit was unable to be duly attributed, as the discovery had caused its founder to spontaneously combust, leaving him an unrecognizable heap of ash. Incidentally, the same race which created this miracle was to resolve the problem of overheating, seventeen thousand years later, by use of air-conditioning.
~13000 BC: I have always thought moving into those caves was a dreadful idea. The dark, ominous depths of these gaping mountain cavities looked ready to collapse once we moved in, not to mention the roof that leaked on rainy days. Where was cement when we needed it?
~10000 BC: That fateful night, we all retired snugly blanketed in the folds of our thick fur. The next morning, we woke up bald; hairless save for that pate of revolting coiffure left to agonize us for millennia to come. Nobody knew the cause of this selective hirsute annihilation then - Brazilian Wax was not to be invented until eleven thousand, eight hundred and forty two years later.
~6000 BC: Contrary to popular beliefs, the first weapon of mass destruction was invented long before Christianity, The Wheel and Fish ��n Chips. A new age of rancid breath, gossip and intolerably impeccable manners dawned upon us as spoken language was invented. In a sudden surge of species-pride, depilated primates across the globe started calling themselves Mankind. The nature of this moniker epitomizes human behavior - the indubitably apt nomenclature was derived from the etymological roots ��mank�� and ��ind��, neither of which makes sense.
~4500 BC: We can��t deny the human predilection for self-inflicted injury. Hardly two hours after the wheel��s invention, the first fatal traffic accident occurred. The creator was thereafter prosecuted for every subsequent road-kill. To date, he has been sentenced to death 2839481984 times.
AD 33: Civilization received a pat on the back for mistakenly killing the supposed Son-Of-God. All mankind were hence doomed to eternal damnation. Ok, so I did throw a pebble at him, but hey, I was just following the crowd. Besides, tossing stones used to be pretty fashionable��about two thousand years ago. For showing up at his crucifixion, I received a signed copy of the universal bestseller fiction, titled [The Holy Bible].
AD 1564: William Shakespeare finally conceived. Darwinian Theory was proven �� a roomful of primates will turn out Shakespeare one day. Congratulations to the monkeys in London!
AD 1597: Internationally-acclaimed playwright, William Shakespeare, narrowly concedes to [The Holy Bible] in book sales. Statistics show that, for the next 400 years, every ten copy of [The Holy Bible] sold would correspond with nine of Shakespeare��s. However, majority of those Bibles were never read at all, while nearly all of Shakespeare��s were misinterpreted.
AD 1914: Dulce et decorum est pro patria mori ; It is sweet and fitting to die for your country ; The old lie. War �� The oh-so-glorified act that is, simply, savagery; the fight for someone else��s made-up ideology; the release of our primitive yearnings for conflict. Even after losing the tail millennia back, we are still unable to distance ourselves from our basest primordial instincts. Universal disgrace falls upon us, as the specie bequeathed with the greatest propensity for learning was not to be educated by eight million deaths (see AD 1941).
AD 1923: The first television set, greatest entertainment device in the universe, was put together by a particularly bored scientist. From here on, mankind began watching MTV, drama serials and alien transmissions in the comfort of their living-rooms. The initial product run comprised ungainly boxes lacking stereo sound and color, and which came without a remote control (regarded to be the most-imminently-pressing inconvenience of all). It also showed only static, due to a depressing lack of foresight in Man��s part resulting in the belated advent of broadcasting stations. Still, the exorbitant price-tags were gladly footed by fascinated aristocrats. Even higher prices are now being offered by antique collectors to catch a glimpse of the vaunted static they emit, in preference to such bullshit propagated by their modern counterparts. Once again, the bluebloods proved that they��re always right.
AD 1935: Elvis Presley born. In the year AD 1977, he was appointed Earth��s ambassador to Mars, where he was to reside permanently. The official word is that every one of the million-or-so Elvises spotted on the streets thereafter is, in truth, a holidaying Martian. This is based on the assumption that no sane Earthling will voluntarily take on his guise of skin-tight virility-annihilating jeans and atrocious anti-aphrodisiac sideburns (what a turn-off!).
AD 1941: World War II. The prime causes for this second war are, as observed from historical milestones, namely, the introduction of television and the demise of Elvis. Human obstinacy will be the death of us. Forget hyped-up sci-fi endings to this world involving alien invasions: we��re all going to die in a cloud of nuclear sediments fired by trigger-happy �� no - trigger-euphoric politicians.
AD 1945: The cessation of World War II resulted in a pan-global formation of institutions, which coincided with the dissolution of decisive action. We go around in circles, and it��s invariably back to square one again. Perhaps it is hoped that, through impeding all avenues of arbitration, we may thence postpone any imminent war, together with humanitarian aid, amelioration of global societal unrest and the feeding of millions in Africa.
AD 1948: McDonald��s, staple diet for the universe, first served in this year. The concept of fast-food was to save on waiting time, while whittling at one��s lifespan with tasteless abominations (Which, incredibly, contains the daily essentials needed for devastation of one��s physique.). For some inexplicable rationale, this was to become astoundingly popular with our civilization.
AD 1969: In a magnificent leap of scientific progress, mankind affirms its competence for interstellar acts of epic pointlessness by landing on the moon. I really couldn��t see the point, as poor Neil was made to trudge, cold and hungry, some couple million miles from the nearest McDonald��s joint, just to plant a flag where no non-fictional character can see it.
AD 2000: George Bush, prodigious son of presidents (for he was only exceptionally gifted at being an offspring of one), mysteriously elected into office. His travesties ranged from the terrifying - trespass of turbaned terrorists�� (the Taliban��s) territories that transformed topography to tumulus - to trivial �� televised terminological transgressions. Four years later, the American folks learned from their previous blunder, and reelected the incumbent Bush.
AD 2002: Love, the ungraspable enigma of an emotion that is behind Life, the Universe and Everything, is, ironically, given only one entry. This year, Death stole a loved one, and only through its loss was it manifestly felt. I was 14 and she was, too. She was the trusty canine who was present at every step of my journey (for it was a gift to the newborn me); always full of gratuitous goodwill and selflessness and never reproachful. The fatal viral infection which tormented the last vestiges of her existence showed me the cruel edict of love �� only when warped into grief for its recipient can one truly comprehend its great bounds.
AD 2004: An epochal sense of Déj� vu was experienced in unison by our race as the first men finally disembarked on Mars. Evidently, we learnt naught from the prior moon-landing - no hotel suite was booked for the starving explorers. Whatever happened to man��s vaunted entrepreneurial spirit?
AD 2006 February: A young, aspiring writer sits at his desk, conjuring [A Short History Of: Life, the Universe and Everything]. He forsakes all sources of nourishment in his fanatical scribing, completing his magnum opus after countless nights spent in the sole comfort of caffeinated consciousness.
AD 2006 The-Near-Future: His fate lies in your hands. You know what to do. Here ends history. Here begins his story.
chengwei shamelessly blogged at 7:15 PM
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