Insights From The Bard #1
Shakespeare himself extends a rather bony decomposed hand to welcome all of you ignorant plebeians reading the premier issue of Insights From The Bard. A cold welcome, if you will.
In this age of emo rock bands and suicidal teens, our immortal bard's works have never been more valid nor more arresting. In fact he fits in so well to our gory contemporary values that he scoffs at our way of life. To him, shooting yourself in the head is but a bored trifling way of death. He is no longer satisfied with watching our feeble attempts at suicide, sadism and depression (not necessarily in that order). Bored to death, and bored out of his bones, Shakespeare has risen from the grave to educate the masses.
It is never enough to keel over and die - Every death's dramatic capacity should be maximised and milked for the greatest stage (cf. "all the world's a stage") effect. Our modern society plagued with dismal, uneventful, dime-a-dozen geriatric deaths must now take a leaf out of Shakespeare's tragedies before we are rendered obsolete in this race to die glamourously and gloriously. To aid your lifelong quest to die, we have here for your perusal The Best Deaths Of Shakespearean Tragedies.
Death #4 - Antony from Antony and Cleopatra
Towering in at number four is big oaf Antony. He attempts to commit suicide over his lover's supposed (and faked) death but fails to die after falling on his sword. The next moment, he finds out (with sword stuck in chest) that said lover Cleopatra lives. He is subsequently brought up to her tower with strings (because he is dirty and smelly and bloody and no one likes to touch a dirty smelly bloody man) where he finally dies after having his death speech interrupted multiple times by his irritating, loquacious girlfriend. I'm sure many guys can empathise with poor Antony. Despite the lack of glamour or glory, we award him 4th place for sheer stupidity and gore.
Death #3 - Polonius from Hamlet
This alleged peeping tom gets his due when (pretending-to-be) stark raving mad Hamlet sticks his (real, literal) sword through his mum's (real, literal) curtains. Ok this may not strike you as being particularly memorable, but get a load of this - Polonius is the father of Ophelia, Hammy's love interest. How much more contemporary can you get from killing your father-in-law? I'd say that's the ultimate fantasy of most married men. Again we see a death devoid of grace and beauty, but I say, it takes a real man to be a cosmic joke even in death.
Death #2 - Gloucester from King Lear
You be the judge. You tell me what beats having both eyes gouged out, in your own castle, by your "friends" who then throw you out. Your lil bastard son watches all these with glee (in fact he's the one who told on you) and then takes your land and position. Replace "castle" with "house" and "land and position" with "money" and it all sounds too much like my own little ploy...
Death #1 - Lady Macbeth from Macbeth
Here is my favourite character in all Shakespeare. Lady Macbeth is a bitching sexual killing machine with breasts who loves her man. She is so full of wit and aggression that her favourite pastime is taunting (more like tormenting) Macbeth for being a wimp (even though - or precisely because - she loves him). She becomes emo and depressed after Duncan's murder, and is obsessed with cleanliness, like so many girls I know. In fact she allegedly dies because of this obsessive compulsiveness as she first loses sleep, then hallucinates and eventually becomes a demented lunatic - all because of a stubborn spot of dirt (more accurately, blood) on her perfectly manicured digits. I want to date someone like Lady Macbeth.
In this age of emo rock bands and suicidal teens, our immortal bard's works have never been more valid nor more arresting. In fact he fits in so well to our gory contemporary values that he scoffs at our way of life. To him, shooting yourself in the head is but a bored trifling way of death. He is no longer satisfied with watching our feeble attempts at suicide, sadism and depression (not necessarily in that order). Bored to death, and bored out of his bones, Shakespeare has risen from the grave to educate the masses.
It is never enough to keel over and die - Every death's dramatic capacity should be maximised and milked for the greatest stage (cf. "all the world's a stage") effect. Our modern society plagued with dismal, uneventful, dime-a-dozen geriatric deaths must now take a leaf out of Shakespeare's tragedies before we are rendered obsolete in this race to die glamourously and gloriously. To aid your lifelong quest to die, we have here for your perusal The Best Deaths Of Shakespearean Tragedies.
Death #4 - Antony from Antony and Cleopatra
Towering in at number four is big oaf Antony. He attempts to commit suicide over his lover's supposed (and faked) death but fails to die after falling on his sword. The next moment, he finds out (with sword stuck in chest) that said lover Cleopatra lives. He is subsequently brought up to her tower with strings (because he is dirty and smelly and bloody and no one likes to touch a dirty smelly bloody man) where he finally dies after having his death speech interrupted multiple times by his irritating, loquacious girlfriend. I'm sure many guys can empathise with poor Antony. Despite the lack of glamour or glory, we award him 4th place for sheer stupidity and gore.
Death #3 - Polonius from Hamlet
This alleged peeping tom gets his due when (pretending-to-be) stark raving mad Hamlet sticks his (real, literal) sword through his mum's (real, literal) curtains. Ok this may not strike you as being particularly memorable, but get a load of this - Polonius is the father of Ophelia, Hammy's love interest. How much more contemporary can you get from killing your father-in-law? I'd say that's the ultimate fantasy of most married men. Again we see a death devoid of grace and beauty, but I say, it takes a real man to be a cosmic joke even in death.
Death #2 - Gloucester from King Lear
You be the judge. You tell me what beats having both eyes gouged out, in your own castle, by your "friends" who then throw you out. Your lil bastard son watches all these with glee (in fact he's the one who told on you) and then takes your land and position. Replace "castle" with "house" and "land and position" with "money" and it all sounds too much like my own little ploy...
Death #1 - Lady Macbeth from Macbeth
Here is my favourite character in all Shakespeare. Lady Macbeth is a bitching sexual killing machine with breasts who loves her man. She is so full of wit and aggression that her favourite pastime is taunting (more like tormenting) Macbeth for being a wimp (even though - or precisely because - she loves him). She becomes emo and depressed after Duncan's murder, and is obsessed with cleanliness, like so many girls I know. In fact she allegedly dies because of this obsessive compulsiveness as she first loses sleep, then hallucinates and eventually becomes a demented lunatic - all because of a stubborn spot of dirt (more accurately, blood) on her perfectly manicured digits. I want to date someone like Lady Macbeth.
chengwei shamelessly blogged at 4:04 PM
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